Wednesday, September 30, 2009

And Justice For Nobody

Last night I was a lawyer for this teenage boy who had got into trouble and felt really bad about it. So we practiced and he was going to tell his side of the story in court and hopefully get an easy sentence. When we got into court the judge just started yelling at him and waving his arms around and everything before anyone even had a chance to talk. When he was waving his arms around he poked me in the eye. I was like "Goodness, calm down." This made him even more irate and he was like "I don't want to hear it! This boy is guilty! Court dismissed!" And everyone filed out.
I stayed and talked to the judge and I was like. "How do you sleep at night, you didn't even give the boy a chance to talk. And also, aren't you worried about your job, because you're definitely in violation of the laws and the bill of rights and I'm definitely going to file a complaint." He was like, "The boy didn't stand a chance, he didn't know what to say, I was just doing him a favor." Then the boy came up and started to cry and was telling him his side of the story and how he was sorry and everything. Then the judge felt really bad and was like. "Oh, I'm really sorry."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Darn Asthma

Just after finishing a 25 mile bike race, some guy challenges me to another race. Not just that, but he says he can run faster than I can ride my bike. This is going to be a piece of cake I think to myself and I even let him have a head start. Then I start biking and I'm having one heck of a time making it on the course that he's chosen. I finally catch up to him, but I can't pass him. The trail is just too steep, I try going around him, but still have no luck.
So I finally ditch my bike and just start running with him. We run until we just can't run anymore and both of us fall down and start crawling. We're using all of our energy to propel our bodies forward and just kind of flop, and it's neck and neck. I propose to my fellow racer that instead of going to the finish line we just go to the next light post (about 30 yards ahead). He agrees and both of us our pushing forward for the final homestretch and....
I wake up because the race has caused me to have an asthma attack in real life. Kerri woke up because of my deep irregular breathing and comforted me just in case I was having a nightmare. I guess we'll never know who the winner is.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Great Insurance Plan

Last night in my dream I was applying for a job and we were discussing the benefits such as the insurance plan.
Him- We offer coverage anywhere from 100% up to 200%-250% of your medical bills.
Me- Wow. I think I understand 100%, but what is 200%
Him- Well, in that case instead of having a co-pay, we'll actually pay you that amount every time you visit the doctor.
Me- Really?
Him- Yeah, we know how hard it is on people when they get sick, and we just want to help out how we can. This plan is especially appealing for people who have a lot of surgeries, because they get paid the full amount of the surgery each time.
Me- You're kidding. Don't you think that people would try and take advantage of this by seeing the doctor when they're not sick, and getting extra surgeries that they don't need?
Him- No way. For one thing, nobody enjoys being sick. And besides, people wouldn't do that- it would be DISHONEST.
Me- Hmmmm... good point.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Bad Breath

Good Morning,
No real coherent dreams last night (Kaci decided to have a sleepover. I think she was cold, but still refuses to sleep with a blanket, so I got kicked all night (sometimes in a very sensitive area) so I switched her and tried sleeping w/her little blanket on her little bed, but it didn't turn out so well.) I do remember something about studying all day and wanting to get ice-cream (but I may just be remembering real life.)

So I'll share a great dream that one of my friends had. You all know about the guy who dreamed he ate a giant marshmallow and then his pillow was gone? Well this one is kind of similar.

He's on a date with this beautiful girl, and they both really like each other so he keeps trying to go in for a kiss. But every time he gets close he almost throws up because her breath is so bad. It stinks like crazy! He tries like 15 times and almost throws up every time.
Then he woke up and his face was smashed into his armpit. Gross.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sandy Koufax and Andy Griffith

I apologize, this dream wasn't that cool, but it is what it is.
My dream: I'm at a little league baseball game and the guest of honor is Sandy Koufax who has come to pitch the first inning. The little league team playing against him is losing so they ask me to come in and bat for them. When I get to the plate the opposing team calls in a new pitcher, who happened to be Andy Griffith. He keeps throwing all of these crazy pitches as me that I'm not able to hit. I keep getting foul balls so I didn't strike out though. I also keep stepping outside of the batters box to take a break, but he just keeps pitching to me and I keep swinging. They tried to tell me that I've struck out, but I'm like "No way, I wasn't even in the batters box!" Upon this realization the umpire calls it a walk and sends me to first base. The player after me gets a great hit and I round second base and head towards third. On my way there I notice the third baseman already has the ball so I just take of running all over the place in the infield. The third baseman runs me down and finally tackles me to get me out. I head back to the dugout to find a giant bucket of chocolate chip cookie dough waiting for me and I start digging in.

All in all, not too shabby of a dream.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Double Feature

Background Info:
When I lived in Hawaii I picked up this surfboard that was dying (fins missing, top and bottom completely cracked, a giant hole in the middle) and performed a major surgery- by duct taping the fin back on, and taping up the top and bottom, then putting a layer of fiberglass right over all the duct tape. For the big hole in the middle we used some bathtub caulk to fill it in and make it waterproof. We then named the board Bonita, and it really was an awesome board.

My Dream:
I'm living in Hawaii, but I need to sell the board in order to pay rent and buy groceries (which actually happened in real life also). So I have one of my friends go out an advertise for me. Due to the condition of the board, I'm hoping to get $50 for it. So my friend brings back this guy who is STOKED about buying my board, luckily, before I ask him for $50 I ask him how much money he can pay for it. He apologetically responds, "I'll I have is $325.00. Do you think that will be enough?" Me, being the honest and generous fellow I am decide to break him a deal. "Do you know what? I can tell you're an honest fellow, so I'm willing to sell the board to you for an even $300." "Aw, thanks man!"
When he sees the board he's slightly disappointed because the fiberglass and duct tape are peeling off and he starts to back out of the deal. I tell him, "Wait, I forgot that the duct tape was coming off- how about if I knock some more off the price. I'll give it to you for $100." Him- "Deal. I just really need something that works better then what I've been trying to surf on." Me- "What have you been using to surf?" Him- "Well, I've just been trying to do it on this thing." And he pulls out a sleeping bag.

Dream #2
I've parked my car in a parking garage, and when I go back to it there's two trucks parked right next to it on either side, so close that I can't really even open my doors. As I'm trying to get into the car, the truck next to me starts it's engine and starts backing up. He hits me with his mirror and as I fall down I get pulled right under the truck. Because of the bump that I've caused, the truck is having a hard time backing out so he starts rolling back and forth on me to try and get momentum (I'm sideways so he's really smashing my shoulder/arm). In a moment of panic and adrenaline I receive a burst of strength, push up, and flip the truck over.
In doing so the driver of the truck breaks his arm. I help him out of the truck, and he starts talking about how he's going to sue me and that it's all my fault. I start to get into with him cuz he just ran over me. So I'm calling the cops to report the accident when these 3 teenagers come in to the garage and start robbing everybody's cars. Just as they're about to get away- the cops come and stop them. The cops are so wrapped up in the criminals, that the guy who ran me over gets away. The dream ends with the criminal kids discussing- "Yeah, this never works out for us. I guess crime really doesn't pay."
When I woke up, I had been sleeping on my shoulder/arm in a funny position and it felt like I had been run over by a truck.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Kicking trash

Last night I missed an intramural soccer game because I was too tired to go (does anyone else think that 10:00pm is just a little bit late to start a soccer game- thank you for agreeing fellow married people)

Luckily, I showed up for the game in my dream- only to find out that our opponents were a team of second grade girls. As me and my friends took the field, we started playing the game and were having fun but then decided to show no mercy. We trashed the second graders! The poor goalie was getting shots drilled at her, occasionally a kid got pushed. After scoring about 10 straight goals one of my teammates started yelling at them to try harder because we needed more of a challenge- "Come on! Get back on defense!"

Then the game was interrupted by Kaci coming onto the field carrying her little potty that she had filled up with pee. Just as I was going over to help her she tripped and the pee went flying everywhere. Shocked and appalled by the flying urine, both teams decided that it was time to call the game, and everybody went home.
The End.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Rosebud . . .

In nearly Citizen Kane-esque cryptic fashion - last night I dreamt of rosebuds.
We were in our garden - slightly upgraded by my subconsious to a picturesque sea-side retreat on a grassy hillside. There - along a white picket fence nonetheless - our sprouts were begining to grow. With the dramatic exception of a rosebush - midrow of spouts - it stood in full bloom with pedals littering the ground.
I was busilly working in the garden while trying to barbecue steaks on a low hibachi-style grill. As I returned from weed-pulling to turn the steaks, my Father remarked - How do you think the rose pedals and mustard seeds will flavor the meat? Which would make absolutely no sense outside of the realization I quickly came to that the rose pedals had fallen on the coals. As for the mustard seeds - I have no idea. I looked over to the spot where the rosebush was - only to find it strangely missing!
In reply to his questioning, I pulled the steaks off the grill and brought them over to a shaded table on the hill where my wife, mother, and sisters had prepared a beautiful spread and lovely, though somewhat improvised table setting - which included beach towels as place mats. And upon noticing the center piece I found the answer to my unasked question - the roses now graced our table, with pedals artfully strewn about.

The End.
He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.

No Offense Liam

Some background info: My friend Liam is in graduate school studying math (and he's got a good job with Boeing) and he and his wife just had a little baby boy.

My dream:
We're all hanging out in his condo talking about life and babies and we get on the topic of how expensive it is to have a little baby. That's when Liam's wife says in a real agitated voice, "Yeah, I don't know when Liam is going to get a real job instead of just studying NERDOLOGY!"

That's when I woke up laughing

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

An Older Dream - But I'm still not sure if I woke up

So this one still blows my mind

I'm in this basement just hanging out with my clone- an exact replica of me. Which is really cool until I'm ready to go to sleep, and then we get into a bit of a fight.
Me: Well goodnight
Clone: Goodnight (and then he tries to climb into my bed)
Me: Hey man, what are you doing?! That's MY bed!
Cl: No way man, it's mine!
Me: Whatever, it's mine, plus I was here first, so you can just sleep on the floor.
Cl: No way, it's MY bed and I'm sleeping in it
Me: Whatever man, just sleep on the floor, YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!
Cl: What do you mean I'm not real?! I'm here aren't I?
Me: Yeah, but you're just a figment of my imagination.
Cl: Hold on, I think that YOU'RE not real. I mean, you're just as real to me as I am to you- so what if you're a figment of MY imagnination?!
Me: Whatever man, I'm real- You're not!
Cl: Well, how do you know that?
Me: (Getting really flustered and kind of scared at this point) I... I... I don't know? Wait. I know. I'll show you. I'm gonna go to sleep and when I wake up, you'll be gone and that will prove that you're not real. Ha!
Cl: Well... that's a pretty good idea. But what happens if we both fall asleep at the same time? Who's going to wake up first?
Me: I...dunno? I'm just going to I guess!
Cl: But how do you know? What if I wake up first?
Me: Just shut up all right! Here, lets have a mercy fight!
So I grab his hands and we start having a mercy fight...

That's when I woke up with my hand smashed into the mattress. Well, at least I think it was me that woke up. When I woke up I was totally creeped out, it was 5am and I had to go to work. When I got back at 8am I asked my wife "Do I look different to you?" Her response "Umm... yeah, a little." That's when I started screaming!
But I figure that I won the mercy fight because I still have all my old memories and have all my old scars. Right?...

Last nights dream (the condensed version)

So it's like the 1800's and I'm all dressed up like a pirate and I'm on a pirate ship. Then I open a door in the lower deck of the ship and it time warps me to 2008 (pretty close to now I would say) and this really nice living/dining room where dinner is. So in the dining room I have a phone and I decide to call my mom- but the phone doesn't just call my mom, it calls my mom in the future. So my mom is in the year 2020 and I'm in the year 2008, and since it's a futuristic phone we can see each other on it (like a webcam).

So after the pleasantries, here's our conversation
Me: Hey, did Hayley ever get married, who did she marry?
Mom: No, not yet, we're still just waiting and hoping for her?
Me: Oh, hey Mom, where did I do my internship?
Mom: What are you talking about?
Me: You know at the end of graduate school when I had to work for a year but still pay tuition and not get paid as much- where did I do that?
Mom: Why are you asking me that? And hey, why do you look so young?
Me: Well, I'm still in 2008 and I'm trying to figure out the future, can you just please help me out?
Mom: This is really wierd- I gotta go
Me: Wait mom, don't hang up....

And then I woke up.
Crap...what does it all mean- it was wierd- it was only just after 5am but I still got up and walked around and got a drink just cuz the dream was so real to life.
So go ahead and give me your interpretations of what it all means.